


What Am I to Do With All This Silence?

by keldjinfae



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Hypervigilance, M/M, Oblivious Riku
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-07
Updated: 2014-11-07
Packaged: 2018-02-24 11:14:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2579540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keldjinfae/pseuds/keldjinfae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Riku believes that silence is the best solution to his problems. Sora's never been one for keeping quiet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. like a thought brushing up against a sigh

The sun dipped lower in the sky in its steady downward trek to the wide expanse of ocean, and color bled into the sky as it steeped itself in the calm water. After a few more minutes, the golden disc touched the skyline, and the surrounding shades of oranges and pinks intensified above robin’s egg blue as it made the waves sparkle almost blindingly. Palm trees stood out as silent guardians against the world beyond the island, waving in the slight breeze that had picked up with the setting sun.

Riku watched the approach of night silently, eyes darkening like the sea before him as the sun continued to disappear from his sight. He shifted slightly, jaw clenched as he resisted the urge to call out and beg the fading light to stay. He balled his hands into fists in an attempt to ignore his need to try to touch the sun’s warmth, feel it burn his flesh and eradicate the darkness he feared still lurked in his heart. Instead, he masked his desperation by lifting deceptively calm fingers to his hair, tucking it behind his ear even as some of the long, silvery strands continued to float lazily before his eyes.

He continued to remain still and quiet, leveling his breathing in an effort to calm himself as the last, bright sliver prepared to submerge itself in the waves. When his connection with light was finally severed, Riku’s breath froze in his lungs, and his eyes widened almost imperceptibly with dread as his heart raced. Darkness was coming up from the ocean, oozing up the sand and climbing up the palm trees; wisps of evil threatened to ensnare him again…

Before he could register what he was doing, Riku’s little finger stretched out, almost as if it had a will of its own, frantically seeking reassurance that light was still there, would continue to be there over the days to come. His hand brushed ever so slightly against soft flesh, and Riku allowed the contact to end abruptly, the brief touch quelling his fear as he felt liquid warmth spread slowly from the tip of his finger until it seeped through his entire being; his heart was once again filled with a satisfying heat.

Only when his lids lowered in a passive, reflective daze did he allow himself to peer surreptitiously to his left, not needing to see any more than a simple silhouette in order to know every simple detail about the figure beside him. The boy’s hair was caught up in its usual disaster after an entire day spent on the beach, and his skin smelled of sea and sweat and sun and sand, and Riku thought that maybe if he could lean over, taste a little of the natural spices that had collected on those lips, then he would have some of that pure, unadulterated light for his own; might be able to swallow and feel that life within him always.

Riku smirked and snorted at his ridiculous thoughts, even as his eyes fixed sadly on the sand below, away from his best friend and his exuberance. It terrified him sometimes, how dependent he was on the other boy; the way he would reach out for him and silently beg him for guidance even as he taunted him on the shore, laughing as his Keyblade made another victory sweep, or in a bedroom as he triumphantly completed yet another homework assignment while his friend was still struggling to finish his first math problem.

The older boy always seemed so sure of himself, but with every step ahead of Sora that Riku gained, the more desperately he looked over his shoulder to ensure that his friend was still following him.

His attention was drawn back to the younger boy as Sora sighed and leaned forward. “I’d like to paint the sunset,” he announced. He stared straight ahead at the horizon, watching the blue of the sky deepen. He began to swing his legs back and forth and watched his shoes contemplatively.

Riku let his eyes settle on the movement as well, hesitant to look at his best friend directly. Several seconds of silence stretched by, and Riku began to wonder if he should say something in response when Sora spoke up again. “I could have the sunset in my room all the time.” The hypnotic motion of his legs slowed and then stilled, and his brow furrowed in thought before he decided, “Of course, then the sunset wouldn’t be as special, and I’d just ruin it anyway.” He looked up at Riku and smiled, chuckling self-deprecatingly.

Riku’s lips curled up slightly in a barely-there smirk, and he finally allowed eye contact for a brief second in order to teasingly acknowledge Sora’s flight of fancy. Then he returned his attention to the seemingly endless ocean and sky, watching them become one as the sky finally faded to black.

He missed the look of confusion that flitted across Sora’s face, darkening his usually radiant eyes for a moment before he scratched the back of his neck awkwardly and sat up straight again. “At least this way, it’s something new every night,” he said softly, and glanced over at Riku out of the corner of his eye as his legs resumed their swinging. When Riku merely hummed noncommittally and continued to stare straight ahead, Sora frowned and began picking at the bark of the old paopu tree they were sitting on. Occasionally he would glance in Riku’s direction, but the older boy was lost in his own thoughts, used to Sora’s constant fidgeting.

Riku leaned back on the bent tree and listened to the waves lap against the shore as his gaze stretched out aimlessly over the now-black sea. His eyes occasionally flicked up to the sky, searching for the appearance of the first star; evidence of worlds beyond his own. When a small, twinkling spark finally pierced through the blanket of night, Riku felt he could let the day go and stretched his arms up over his head, yawning tiredly after hours spent sparring and swimming. He slid down the paopu tree until his feet touched the sand and looked up at Sora, who was still chipping away pieces of bark with his thumbnail. “Ready to go back?” Riku prompted when Sora remained up in the tree.

Sora’s eyes were trained on his hand as his brow furrowed, and his swinging legs seemed to act as pendulums, counting down his seconds of silence. After a moment, he shook his head and leapt off of the tree abruptly, a smile in place once again. “I’d race you there, but you look a little tired…”

Before the younger boy could dash toward the boats, Riku’s arm lashed out and wrapped around his shoulders, dragging him into a chokehold in order to ruffle his already wildly arrayed hair. “If I’m ‘a little tired,’ it’s only because I’ve been whooping your ass all day,” he taunted, grinning as his best friend attempted to break free of his secure grip; despite defeating people as powerful as Xemnas or Maleficent, Sora could still be overpowered by something as simple as a headlock.

Just as suddenly as he’d caught Sora, Riku released him. Before the younger boy could get his bearings again, Riku sprinted away, yelling, “Come on, Sora! Don’t tell me the Keyblade Master is getting sloppy!” Sora merely snorted, rolling his eyes as he took off after Riku, trying to close the distance between himself and his best friend.

Riku reached their boats first and paused to bend over, his breaths a bit ragged after exerting himself so much throughout the day. Sora joined him seconds later, and collapsed onto the sand, eyes closed as he threw one arm over his forehead and wrapped the other around his abdomen. “It’s nice… to know… that you’re still… just as good at cheating,” he panted, opening his eyes in order to glare playfully up at the older boy.

Straightening, Riku reached out with his foot in order to nudge Sora’s ribs with the toe of his shoe. “And you’re still a sore loser,” he retorted. When Sora only stuck his tongue out at him, Riku smirked victoriously and turned to step into his boat.

Sora watched him set about casting off for a little while, then slowly rolled over and pushed himself up onto his feet before ambling over to his own boat. Riku held back another smirk as Sora continued to glance his way, knowing that the younger boy was comparing his carefully constructed knots to his own hastily tied rope; he knew that Sora practiced when he thought Riku wasn’t watching, testing his skills on everything from fishing line to blades of grass.

Riku’s eyes flickered as he experienced a brief spasm of guilt, remembering how he’d betrayed Sora’s undying faith, and once again he felt that worry that his best friend would one day give up on him. He yanked his line sharply, cursing himself for allowing his doubts to creep back and freeze the blood in his veins.

Just when he was ready to stick his head under the dark water until he passed out, Riku heard Sora grunt in frustration with his haphazard knot work, and couldn’t help but smile secretly again, experiencing that warmth in his heart almost instantly, even as he nearly collapsed from the exhaustion he felt over the conflict raging inside him.

In order to distract himself, Riku quickly moved over to Sora’s boat and began to deconstruct the disaster of woven hemp. He heard Sora huff exasperatedly behind him, and he knew Sora’s arms were folded indignantly against his chest. “I almost had it, Riku,” he protested, watching the older boy’s fingers deftly unravel the knots with a speed to be envied.

Riku bit his lip in order to prevent the laughter he felt at the tip of his tongue. “If you mean you almost had a bigger mess than the one you started out with, then yes, you did.”

Sora merely exhaled in defeat and sat down, making the boat rock lightly from side to side as he clutched his hair. “Sixteen years and I still can’t tie up a boat the right way.”

Riku finally allowed his mouth to curl into a warm smile as he pulled out the last kink in the rope. “Just wrap it around like this,” he suggested, curling the rope around the dock in a loose but secure fashion. “That way you won’t have to tie any knots.”

“I’ve tried that way, remember?” Sora pouted, glaring at Riku’s perfect example. “It came undone and I had to swim out after my boat.”

Riku couldn’t help but chuckle, recalling Sora’s expression when he’d gazed dreamily at the waves and seen his boat floating steadily toward the horizon; he’d been off like a shot before Riku could offer going out in his boat.

Sora cast his eyes downward, his cheeks reddening at the sound of Riku’s amusement. “Glad to please,” he muttered, picking at the hem of his cargo shorts. He looked up in surprise when Riku took his hand and pulled him over to the bow of the boat, shifting so he was behind the shorter boy in order to keep the small vessel balanced in the shallow water.

Riku reached around Sora in order to undo the rope yet again, and almost halted in his movements when that warmth pooled in his abdomen again, making his thoughts pleasantly sluggish. He felt Sora tense up between his arms and realized he’d been leaning forward the barest inch, just enough for their bodies to touch.

Freezing for an instant, Riku then snapped upright as if he’d been burned, his arms stretched out almost comically as he proceeded to re-teach Sora how to secure his boat, as well as distract himself from the rush of heat that was still throbbing where his body had brushed against his friend’s. He chastised himself for being so stupid, even as he handed the rope to Sora, hoping that he hadn’t freaked him out. “Just toss it around that rung there—yeah, just like that, then bring it back up and twist it around that side.”

He watched Sora work, making sure to keep the boat from tipping as the younger boy’s tongue stuck out absently in concentration. Riku probably made more corrections than were necessary in an effort to keep himself from slipping away into that warmth again, but eventually he nodded in approval and patted Sora’s shoulder. “See? You’re just too impatient, that’s all.”

Sora rolled his eyes and waved dismissively, but couldn’t quite hide his pleased grin. After a moment, he reached up and squeezed Riku’s hand, which the older boy was surprised to find was still on his shoulder. “Thanks, Riku.”

Riku suddenly found it a bit difficult to breathe, so he tore his gaze away from Sora’s and ruffled his hair again, bringing the atmosphere between them back to something more normal. “Let’s see if you remember how to do it tomorrow,” he teased, then stepped back into his own boat. He freed the last of the line from the dock, and Sora neglected a come back in order to follow suit, hastily yanking apart his proud accomplishment.

When Sora’s boat began to push away from the dock, the younger of the two called out, “Hey, I bet I can beat you back home.” He was already rowing furiously, his exertion generating more splashes than actual movement.

Riku snorted and maintained his own steady pace, slicing through the water gracefully as his boat propelled quickly toward the mainland. “Wouldn’t want your arms to give out.”

Sora scowled and dipped his oars deeper into the water, quickly gaining on Riku even as his efforts cost him the energy he had left. Sure enough, after a few more strokes, he sighed and slowed, falling slightly behind the older boy. He seemed to lose himself in concentration as he focused on maintaining his even rhythm, and Riku couldn’t help but feel grateful for the brief period of silence again; things had gotten too intense, and he wasn’t even sure how or why. He threw himself into rowing as well; push, pull, push, pull, the repetition of moving the oars took over Riku’s thoughts and the next thing he knew, he was pulling up at the mainland’s shore.

Riku hopped out onto the smaller, private dock used by the year-round residents of the island. He heard Sora pull up noisily beside him as he quickly secured his boat to one of the available rungs. He glanced up and couldn’t help the smirk that twisted his features as he studied his younger friend. 

Sora had dropped his oars in order to slump forward, and he was panting heavily. When he tried to push himself up off the bench, Sora groaned and immediately dropped back down, rolling his arms in an attempt to bring circulation back into his overworked muscles.

“I told you your arms would give out,” Riku pointed out. Sora only stuck out his tongue again as he massaged his left shoulder with his other hand. Riku laughed fondly at another of his friend’s familiar mishaps and offered his hand. “Here.”

Sora sighed, slouching forward for a moment, before shaking his head and grinning ruefully. He reached out and took his hand, and the older boy helped him up to his feet and onto the dock. “I’ll beat you next time anyway,” Sora declared, meeting Riku’s eyes challengingly.

Riku released Sora’s hand in order to poke his chest before he could lose himself in another moment. “Yeah, maybe tonight in your dreams,” he shot back.

Sora’s grin only widened. “You’re just afraid of the competition.”

“You’re right—after twelve years of me leaving you behind in the dust, I’m absolutely terrified,” Riku scoffed. Before Sora could deliver a comeback, Riku added, “Oh, and Sora, your boat’s floating away.”

Sora’s eyes widened and his head snapped to the left to see his boat inching away from the dock. He gasped and rushed forward to snatch the line out of the water just in time. He tried to keep an indignant frown on his face, but the sound of Riku’s lately infrequent laughter was too infectious and his grin returned even as he averted his eyes in embarrassment. “Shut up, Riku,” he mumbled, drawing his boat back hand-over-hand.

“I didn’t say anything.” Riku’s eyes shone with amusement as he wiped tears away from his eyes. “You should’ve seen your face, though; it was just like last time.” He watched Sora wrap the rope around the rung next to his, doing exactly what Riku had shown him, and the older boy felt the heat come back, once again making it harder to breathe. He resisted the urge to pinch himself and faked a yawn, stretching his arms above his head. “You think we could go home sometime tonight, Sora?”

Sora rolled his eyes and finished tying up his boat. “And you said _I_ was the impatient one.” He stepped back from his work in order to inspect it. When the rope didn’t begin to unravel into the water, he beamed up at his best friend. “I’ve finally got it down!”

Riku hoped Sora didn’t notice him swallow as thoughts of things he was sure best friends didn’t do rushed through his head. “Great,” he found himself saying, somehow managing to keep his voice steady. “Now how ‘bout we get some sleep?”

“Fine, _old man_ ,” Sora joked as he brushed past Riku. “I’ll make sure to go easier on you tomorrow.”

“Any easier and you might as well just hand over your Keyblade,” Riku retorted, catching up to and matching Sora’s stride without any effort.

Sora laughed and waved dismissively. “Whatever.”

They both chuckled, then fell silent as they made their way back home. Riku looked ahead at the evenly spaced streetlights, occasionally glancing to his right in order to study his friend. Every now and then, Sora would look up at the sky and frown thoughtfully, and Riku noticed the younger boy would start to turn his way, his mouth open to say something, but then he would look back up at the sky again. After several repetitions of this pattern, Riku finally nudged Sora’s shoulder with his own. “I can practically hear you thinking,” he said gently, then after a moment, added, “or trying to.”

Sora sneered at Riku, then looked back up at the sky, brow furrowed. Eventually he shrugged his shoulders and sighed. “You can’t see the stars very well on the mainland anymore,” he mentioned, his voice distracted as he tried to pick out a few of the constellations. “All of the lights on the mainland…” he grimaced before continuing, “It’s so crowded now, Riku. Especially now that…” he closed his eyes for a moment, then looked down at his shoes. “Especially now that I know there are other worlds out there.”

Riku swallowed again, looking down at his own shoes. “Yeah…” he said noncommittally, keeping his voice carefully neutral. The very fact that there _were_ other worlds beyond their own was part of what terrified Riku; they reminded him of what he had become, of what could happen to him if the darkness took over again.

He felt Sora’s eyes on him, but he kept his head down so his hair hid his face. “Don’t you ever miss it?” the younger boy asked after a moment. “Our friends, the adventures?”

Riku’s eyes closed as he focused on regulating his breathing. “No, not really,” he stated quietly, shoving his hands into his pockets as he trudged along the sidewalk. His friend continued to study him intently, his blue eyes seeming to bore into his skin until Riku wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he stopped. But when Sora finally looked away, eyes returning to the sky, he felt hollow inside.

They rounded a corner and arrived at their neighborhood, and Riku nearly let out a sigh of relief; he wasn’t sure how he could say anything else to Sora without letting everything that was pent up inside him spill out and threaten to drown them both.

Sora’s house was first, two stories of bright cream and green trim and a matching picket fence, trapped between two identical, bland monstrosities that paled in comparison; somehow the scene managed to describe the house’s resident so perfectly it almost made Riku’s teeth ache. He walked with Sora to the beginning of the driveway, then stopped, waiting for goodbyes to be exchanged so he could make the short trip to his own house.

Riku glanced at Sora’s mailbox for a moment and felt his lips tug upward; the metal decals spelled out “hIKARI” and “737I, N. Randolph CT” on one side because Sora had been playing with them before his mother could arrange them on the mailbox, and as a result had lost an “H” and a “1”. Mrs. Hikari had never bothered to replace them.

When Riku’s attention returned to Sora, he noticed that the younger boy was watching him again, trying to figure out something for himself. He twisted his features into a practiced smirk. “We don’t have to kiss now or anything, do we?” he asked wryly, waiting for Sora to exclaim “eww!” and shove him away, even as Riku ignored the voice in his head that questioned if kissing each other goodnight would really be so bad.

But instead of doing what was expected of him, Sora only stared at him for a bit longer, then asked, “Are you okay, Riku?” his tone serious.

Riku forced a laugh, nearly wincing at how fake it sounded. “What? Yeah, I’m fine.” He gave Sora’s shoulder a light push. “Maybe you’ve been spending too much time out in the sun.” Silence filled the space between them again, and this time it felt oppressive, slipping through Riku’s mouth and nostrils and threatening to strangle him.

When Sora finally spoke, his voice was emotionless. “G’night, Riku,” he murmured, turning around slowly. His words reverberated through the air like the crack of a whip, and Riku couldn’t help but flinch. He searched his mind frantically for something to say to dissipate the tension between them.

“‘Night,” he called out when Sora reached the gate, nearly kicking himself over how lame his attempt was. The younger boy merely waved as he closed the gate behind him, then leapt over the two steps of his porch to land in front of the door. “See you tomorrow,” Riku tried again, a hint of desperation creeping through his usual air of confidence.

Sora turned to look at him, but his smile was lopsided when he nodded in agreement. “Tomorrow,” he said, waving again before opening the front door and entering his house, leaving Riku at the driveway. When the door closed, the silence roared in the older boy’s ears, emphasizing the emptiness that had returned with the simple click of a lock.

Riku stared at the door for awhile, debating whether he should follow after his best friend, then backed away and walked alone past the five houses to his own. His parents had bought a home that was originally just as forgettable as the two that penned in Sora’s, but his mother was a remodeling fanatic and had added so many bay windows, balconies, and light fixtures over the years that the building now seemed to resemble a small castle. The paint was a pale yellow, a color that Riku had picked out when he was little, and now he was certain that the cheerful glow was mocking him as he walked up to the door. He pulled his house key out of his pocket and slid it into the lock, then pushed the door open quietly.

When neither of his parents came to the foyer to ask him how he was or if he wanted anything to eat, Riku let out the breath he was holding and closed the door behind him, glad that he wouldn’t have to pretend to be happy for once.

He practically crawled up the stairs to his bedroom and kicked off his shoes as he crossed the wood floor. He dropped onto his bed, stretching out on top of the covers, and rolled onto his back. He folded his arms behind his head and tried to get comfortable, suddenly finding the mattress too hard, the pillow too soft, and the air too thick. The image of Sora’s eyes darkened by something like resignation stuck in his mind and he couldn’t seem to shake it.

Several minutes stretched by, and Riku finally glared at the ceiling for its lack of answers to his problems. When the plaster remained unresponsive, Riku huffed in exasperation and flopped over onto his side, closing his eyes pointedly. After a few minutes, blissful fatigue took over, and Riku fell into a dreamless sleep.


	2. i'm better off without you tearing my will down

He wasn’t sure what dragged him out of unconsciousness, but Riku was aware of a change in the atmosphere and his senses worked furiously to determine who was in his room. Shoes clunked onto the wood floor as someone pushed through his window, trying to be quiet, but not stealthy. Footsteps made their way assertively around Riku’s desk and the half-full hamper by his bed, navigating the room expertly as if whoever they belonged to knew the room just as well as Riku did.

Riku no longer bothered to keep his breathing even, since Sora would already know he was awake. He yawned, stretching his arms over his head tiredly—heard that sickeningly sweet popping sound in his stiff joints—as he caught the scent of Sora’s cucumber melon shampoo; Mrs. Hikari had probably insisted he wash the sand and salt from his hair before he got into his clean bed. “What is it, Sora?” he asked groggily, eyes opening to slits so he could make out the silhouette of his best friend, standing out against the open window behind him.

Sora’s voice was soft, but firm. “I know you’ve been avoiding me, Riku.” He continued to stand beside the older boy’s bed, his expression indecipherable in the darkness. Pale light from the porch lamps outside cast shadows across his features, hardening his mouth and elongating his nose, giving his eyes an odd, almost ethereal glow; Riku felt vulnerable, exposed beneath a visage too sharp to belong to his best friend’s.

Riku sat up in bed, hoping his movements weren’t too hasty under Sora’s scrutiny. “What are you talking about?” he asked irritably, hoping his clipped tone would effectively mask his insecurities.

Sora remained silent for a moment, eyes intense and wavering with concern. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other uncertainly, then folded his arms against his chest, apparently strengthening his resolve to confront his friend. “You’ve been different since we came back, which sounds pretty stupid, considering what happened, but… it’s like you don’t want anyone to think you’ve changed, like everything we went through wasn’t real.”

Riku’s brow furrowed slightly, his mind racing to catch up to Sora’s seemingly sudden bout of insight. He glanced over at the alarm clock on his bedside table in an effort to stall for time, and let his anxiety twist his features into an irritated scowl when the soft green glow of the digits informed him of the hour. “Sora, it’s four in the morning!” he complained.

“And if I’d waited, you would’ve changed the subject or come up with some excuse to avoid me until I gave up,” Sora pointed out, his tone still impassive, even though Riku noticed his lips were set in a downward curve.

“That’s ridiculous; we’ve been together every day all summer,” Riku pointed out, almost wincing at how weak he sounded.

“Yeah, we fight, we joke, we have a great time as long as nobody tries to say anything that isn’t about winning a race or pointing out that one of us throws like a girl.”

Riku pointed out, “Sora, we’ve always been like that. And it’s not like I can brag to Wakka or Tidus about how I helped you take down an entire organization and save a bunch of worlds that they don’t even know _exist_ beyond these islands. We _have_ to keep what we did a secret.”

“I know…” Sora mumbled, frustration creeping across his features as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “It’s just… I’m your _best friend_ , and I know I don’t really catch a lot of things that I should, but I _know_ when something’s bothering you. I don’t know how to get you to talk to me though.”

“There isn’t anything to talk about,” Riku insisted, determined to keep his carefully maintained distance between himself and his best friend. He sat up and positioned himself at the edge of the bed so he could face the younger boy head on.

“Riku…”

“I’m fine, okay?” Riku said, struggling to keep his tone even.

“But I’m not,” Sora whispered, his eyes fixed on the smooth, polished wood of the floor as his face twisted into an expression that seemed foreign, unnatural. The silence thickened, swelling until it seemed as if it might push the air out of the room, and then Sora snorted, laughing at himself uncomfortably as he scratched the back of his neck. “I just kind of… um…”

“Sora?” Riku prompted softly, scrutinizing his best friend with eyes that were now wide-awake.

“It’s stupid,” Sora apologized, “but... um… I just keep thinking what the others are doing out there. Leon, Goofy… everyone. I miss them, you know?” He frowned and turned away from his friend so he could look out the window up at the sky. “I think about their mission and how I used to be a part of it. I know… I know that they’ll come get me if they need me.” His gaze dropped to his shoes again. “But they haven’t needed me yet, and I’m worried.”

“I’m sure they’re all okay, Sora,” Riku assured the younger boy, unable to bring himself to look directly at him as memories of the darkness temporarily flooded his thoughts, as that old, familiar feeling of jealousy hardened his eyes and gritted his teeth for the briefest of moments. “You of all people know that they can handle themselves.”

“…I know,” Sora agreed, studying the stars again. “I feel… selfish, Riku. All I can think about is how this is it for us now. That everything we did is the end, and now I’m back to being just... Sora.” He shrugged helplessly. “Sometimes I feel like it all never happened, and I just dreamed it all, you know?”

“Do you want to go back?” Riku kept his gaze on the smooth grain of the floor boards, afraid of Sora’s answer.

Sora paused for a minute, mulling over the laces of one of Riku’s lazily discarded shoes, then answered truthfully, “Not now, no. I missed my mom and our friends, and I couldn’t just leave them again this soon. Besides,” he added, sounding almost hesitant, “I’m not so sure that I’d find what I’m looking for out there.” 

Riku nodded, releasing the sheets he’d been clutching almost unwittingly. Unable to decipher just what was on Sora’s mind, and unwilling to admit just how nervous he was at the thought of Sora wanting to leave their world so suddenly, he settled for a noncommittal “Okay…”

“I, um… see… I kind of feel like I’m losing a battle that I didn’t even know I was fighting in the first place.” Sora chanced a brief glance at his friend before letting his eyes snap back to the oddly misplaced shoe on the usually neat floor. “When we came home, I thought everything would be okay. But… we haven’t been the same. It’s like you go out of your way to avoid me, even when we’re together.” He sped up, words pouring out of his mouth as if he were afraid of thinking about what he said. “I fought my way through Heartless and Nobodies, and I thought maybe I could handle anything, but now I can feel you slipping away and I don’t know how to stop it.” He cut off abruptly, still refusing to look up from the shoe.

“And I still don’t know what you’re talking about,” Riku snapped. “How am I ignoring you, Sora? Please, tell me how I could’ve missed it when we’ve been together every day for the past two months.”

Sora’s teeth clacked together loudly as he pivoted on his heels in order to glare accusingly at Riku head-on. “You’re doing it _again_. When you can’t whap me on the shoulder with a wooden sword or shove my head under the water, you just disappear or _yell_ at me. Why can’t you just tell me what’s wrong?”

“Because there’s _nothing wrong_ , Sora!” Riku hissed, hoping his parents hadn’t heard their rising voices. “I don’t know how many times I have to say it before it gets through your thick skull, but I’m _fine_.”

“So when we’re watching the sunset and I happen to look up and find you watching the sun like it’s the last thing keeping you alive, that’s just you being _fine_.” Sora rolled his eyes and snorted disbelievingly. “Well, gee, Riku, I don’t know how I could’ve misread _that_.”

“Well, maybe you’ve been hanging out with Kairi too much,” Riku retorted, bristling as Sora came closer and closer to broaching a subject he didn’t want to acknowledge, let alone discuss. “She’s got you reading too much into things. What next? Are you going to start painting your nails, too?” He leaned forward on his elbows and cocked his head to the side tauntingly, hoping his jibe would distract his friend.

Sora’s teeth ground against each other audibly as he fought to keep his hands at his sides. “You know I’ve barely spent _any_ time with Kairi this summer because I’ve been with _you_.” He emphasized his last word by jabbing his index finger in Riku’s direction. “And when are you going to stop calling me a girl, damnit?”

“You might want to stop acting like one first,” Riku said sardonically, biting back a smirk of triumph as Sora strayed further off topic.

But then the younger boy suddenly closed his eyes and shook his head, sighing tiredly. “This isn’t working,” he stated, frowning slightly as his eyes seemed to scan the blankets on Riku’s bed for an answer.

“Then why do you keep _trying_?” Riku muttered, running a hand through his hair to help soothe his rapidly-fraying nerves. He looked down at his knees, completely missing his friend’s gaze lock just to the right of his arm onto his pillow.

Without warning, Sora sprang toward him, and Riku instinctively braced himself for the impact, crouching forward and planting his feet firmly onto the floor with his arms outstretched. However, instead of the expected pounce, Riku found himself with a face full of fluffy, one hundred percent goose-down pillow.

“Because I _love_ you, you jerk,” Sora snapped, standing over him with the pillow still wielded in one hand.

Riku could only gawk up at his best friend, opening and closing his mouth soundlessly a few times before stammering softly, “You…”

“I love you,” Sora repeated simply, his eyes fixed on Riku’s. “I’m pretty sure I have for most of my life, but I was six years old then, so what did I know, really?” He shrugged with one shoulder and cocked his head to one side, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips, but Riku continued to merely stare up at him with a vacant, gaping expression. After a few more seconds of silence, Sora frowned and scratched the back of his head, drawing his lower lip between his teeth. “Would you please say something, Riku? You’re starting to make me nervous.”

“You…” Riku blinked and licked his lips, waiting for his racing mind to slow down enough for rational thought. He cleared his throat, hoping the action would help clear his head, but all the action left him with was, “You hit me with a pillow.”

Sora let out a strangled groan and tugged at his hair for a moment before peeking out at Riku from beneath his fingers. “I tell you I love you and all you can think about is the _pillow_?”

Riku found himself morbidly fascinated with the numerous expressions that rapidly flitted across Sora’s face as he struggled to respond in a way that made _sense_. However, several seconds ticked by, and he still couldn’t get himself to break free from the numerous question marks dashing around in his head, punctuated by feelings of shock and disbelief. He finally settled for, “How?” and hoped it was enough to at least prove his attention wasn’t completely absorbed by the pillow.

Sora made the same exasperated noise and looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t _know_. I have since, like, kindergarten.” He shrugged and brought his gaze back to Riku, not quite meeting his eyes. “It just sort of snuck up on me. I thought about what life would be like without you, and… I didn’t like it.”

Riku closed his eyes and leaned back, resting his weight on his elbows. “But how can you love me after everything I’ve done?” he asked softly, swallowing as another stab of guilt spiked through him. “I gave in to the darkness, Sora. Am I just supposed to forget about that?” 

He probably shouldn’t have taken his eyes off of the pillow, because suddenly it was in his face again, this time with enough force to knock him onto his back. “You don’t forget,” Sora answered, standing over him. “If you do, you might make the same mistake again. But that doesn’t mean you live in fear, either. So you let the darkness in, Riku. So what? You got _out_ of it, too, remember?” He dropped the pillow on his friend’s stomach, and Riku’s arms shot out reflexively to grasp it so it couldn’t be used against him again. “Just… move on.”

Riku sat up slowly, arms still wrapped around the pillow. “You really don’t… what happened doesn’t bother you?” he asked incredulously.

“Riku, you did something stupid and you _paid_ for it; you _fixed_ it. _I_ do stupid stuff all the time, so why would I hold this against you?”

The older boy might have pointed out that forgetting to put on the parking break before leaving the car at the top of a hill wasn’t quite the same as what _he’d_ done, but Sora wasn’t an idiot; Riku _had_ fought his way out, and somehow his friends still loved him. “Is it that easy?” he murmured, barely audible, thoughts once again darting around a bit too quickly for comprehension.

Sora shifted, Riku’s eyes dropped to his lap in order to confirm that he still had the pillow. Reassured, he looked up again and found that Sora’s face was only a few inches away from his, his hands planted on his thighs so he could lean forward into Riku’s personal space. “I’d like to think so,” he whispered, his eyes slipping shut as he leaned in closer.

Riku’s breath caught in his throat as the world seemed to slow to a grinding halt, and then Sora’s lips were brushing against his, barely enough to be called a kiss, but enough to make his limbs seem to melt into the mattress.

“Riku…?” Sora pulled away just enough to look at his best friend, his teeth worrying his lower lip.

“Sora.” Riku framed his Sora’s face with his hands and waited for their eyes to meet again. When he was sure he had the other boy’s attention, he smiled and nodded. “I’d like to think so, too.”

Sora placed his hands on Riku’s, his grin threatening to split his face in two. “Yeah?”

Riku nodded again. “Yeah.”

Sora let out a short burst of laughter, and Riku chuckled and rested his forehead against the other boy’s. After a few seconds, Sora cleared his throat and asked, “So… um… what should we do now?”

Riku snorted in amusement, then leaned in and kissed Sora, moving his hands up into his tangled mass of hair. His eyes closed, but he could hear Sora moan as he teased lips with his own, and he smirked in satisfaction when they broke apart for air. “How’s that?” he asked.

Sora rolled his eyes and shoved Riku even as he smirked. “I still think you’re a jerk,” he teased, digging one of his knees into the mattress so some of his weight was resting on Riku’s lap. “But you do tend to come up with the best ideas.” He slid his arms around the back of Riku’s neck, taking his time as if he were afraid the older boy would want him to stop.

Riku merely stroked Sora’s cheekbone lightly with his thumb, smiling again when he shivered at the contact, and decided that having Sora this close to him was very nice, but just a little bit uncomfortable in their current awkward position. “Here,” Riku offered, gesturing for Sora to sit next to him on the bed.

Sora slid over onto the mattress, keeping his arms in place atop Riku’s shoulders. His lips stretched into a smirk as he brushed them against the other boy’s. “That was helpful of you,” he teased.

“I’m a helpful kind of guy,” Riku murmured, his breath damp on his lips as he drew Sora into another slow kiss, warm and gradually deepening, tasting like cola. He wove his fingers into sun-bleached, cinnamon hair, and trailed his free hand down, slow and light, to rest on the hollow of his back. He pressed his fingertips into smooth, cool skin, felt the shiver. He broke the kiss to watch Sora tilt back into the touch, his lips parted and quivering.

Riku licked his lips, tasting Sora on them and humming in approval, blood rushing as if he were drunk. He closed in again, Sora’s shallow breaths hot on his cheeks, let his tongue dart out between the other boy’s lips. He grinned at the gasp he drew, tightening his hold around the smaller body for another kiss before dipping lower, lips brushing at the cleft of Sora’s chin. Then hands were in Riku’s hair, tugging just enough for him to feel pressure on his scalp, and then lips were ghosting against his cheekbone, just as curious as his own.

Riku left a trail along Sora’s jaw, breath on the sensitive spot behind his ear, before teeth and tongue teased slowly down to his neck, drawing in the soft skin at the hollow of his throat, tasting like the salt from sweat and the sea. He felt Sora’s moan tickle his lips, drawing a shudder from the bottom of his spine, and let out a sigh of his own when the other boy’s leg tangled between his own, attempting to bring their warm bodies closer together. Rough denim rustled as Sora nearly straddled him, and Riku groaned again, bucking his hips fractionally to create more friction.

“R-Riku…” Sora whispered, craning his neck to nuzzle Riku’s hair.

Riku shivered again, reveling in the sensation of hands sifting through and pulling his hair, of soft skin rubbing against his sensitive scalp. He moved against Sora, pushing them both back onto the bed, needing to feel more. He stretched out over the lithe body beneath him and pulled his hand out from under Sora’s back to slip under his shirt, stroking smooth skin around his navel, over his ribcage, basking in every squirm his touch brought as he memorized everything that was Sora; the familiar smell of his soap—some sort of tropical fruit and coconut—filling his head, making his thoughts sluggish. He hummed again, the sound lazy and careless, and teased one of Sora’s nipples with his fingers.

Sora’s hands slid down from Riku’s hair, bunching up his shirt, and Riku arched back, feeling small red crescents form as nails dug into his skin. He tugged at his collar, holding it down and grazing his collarbone with his teeth, needing to see-feel-taste more. He braced his weight on his elbow to push up the hem of his shirt just above his navel, then paused before lifting it further, silently asking Sora’s permission even as fingers twitched in anticipation. Sora’s eyes were bright, cheeks flushed, and he nodded, chewing on his lip, dropping his own hands to Riku’s waist and pulling at his shirt.

Riku nodded, smile on his lips as he leaned in for a kiss—long and deep, then sat up on his knees, bringing Sora with him to remove his shirt, shivering when his own was tossed onto the floor. He wrapped his arms around the other boy’s waist, taking a moment to revel in how right it felt to be holding Sora this way, bodies flush against each other, breath loud in the silence of the sleeping house. Then tan arms brought him in closer, rough calluses against his shoulder blades, and Riku pushed Sora back down onto the bed, kisses growing in intensity as they felt skin on naked skin, moans muffled by shoulders and mattresses, hands mapping out muscle and scar tissue.

Every moment rose, expanded like heat, and Riku couldn’t think of anything but Sora, forgetting about his parents down the hall, about keeping quiet. He buried his face in the crook of Sora’s neck, licking and sucking and nibbling, doing _anything_ that would reassure him that this was really happening. Sora’s voice was in his ear, his lips on his cheek, hips grinding together in an increasingly frantic rhythm, and everything was perfect until the heat was too much and he needed a release or he would explode.

Sora’s features contorted, eyes closing and lips parting as he tossed his head back, thrusting upward. Riku growled, enthralled by the sight, and white hot energy burst behind his eyes, from his limbs. His kiss was rough, biting, as he cried out, clinging to the body beneath him as he waited for the heat to dissipate, feeling Sora’s cries in his mouth, the vibrations ringing in his head. His arms and legs shook, gave out, and he was on top of him, sprawled out and spent.

“God, _Sora_ ,” he whispered, the words leaving his lips like a prayer as 

“Riku…” Sora’s voice was choked, overwhelmed.

“Love you.” Riku’s mouth barely moved, expelling just enough energy to make sure his words were heard.

“You, too.” Sora’s kiss was sloppy and lazy, leaving Riku’s flush cheek shiny and wet. Riku grumbled, turning his head to wipe his face off against Sora’s. “Ew! Riku!” Sora whined, giggling as he squirmed underneath the older boy, trying to get away. Riku merely grunted again and kissed him, eyes half-closed as he let his head drop onto the pillow next to his. Sora hummed under his breath and Riku nuzzled his earlobe, wondering if his limbs had actually turned into jelly.

Sora was quiet beneath him, breath slowly returning to normal, and then he shifted slightly, looking over at him. “Can I borrow some of your clothes?” he asked softly, reminding Riku that his parents were still down the hall and miraculously asleep.

“Later,” Riku replied, not wanting to move.

“Nng… Riku!” Sora whined, attempting to wriggle out from beneath the older boy.

“Sora!” Riku teased, refusing to budge. He kissed Sora’s temple. “Just wait a few more minutes, okay?”

Sora sighed, but stopped moving, instead lifting a hand to run through Riku’s sweat-damp hair, smoothing it away from his face. They watched each other contentedly, enjoying the quiet as they relived what they’d shared. After awhile, Sora chuckled, his voice hoarse and tired. Riku raised an eyebrow, and Sora smiled. “Aren’t you glad I hit you with that pillow now?”

Riku laughed, amazed that he could again without feeling the weight of something more bearing down on his chest. “So articulate.”

Sora snorted, rolling his eyes. “Well, at least I got the ball rolling; _you_ never would’ve said anything.”

A twinge of guilt made Riku flinch, then his features softened. “I’m glad you did.”

Sora simply nodded, fingers still carding through Riku’s hair. Riku shifted his weight over onto his side and stretched out next to his… lover? He grinned, draping his arm over Sora’s chest and sidling in close, watching as the other boy’s eyes began to droop, thoughts of changing clothes forgotten as sleep took over. Soon they were only slits of blue, barely peeking out at him, and any thought of changing clothes was soon forgotten as sleep took over.

Riku kissed his eyelids, amazed that they were together, that the day had turned out this way, that somehow after a couple of hits from a pillow, the darkness didn’t seem so oppressive anymore. His eyes felt heavy as he sifted through the events leading up to this until he realized they were closed, and he sighed and snuggled even closer to the warm body beside him and drifted off, not caring how much longer the night would last before the sun came up again.


End file.
